The Truth About The Bachelor

Wanna hear a joke?

Twenty whores and a giant douche walk into a mansion...

And it becomes the highest rated show on Australian television.

Welcome to the world we live in my friends. Where a televised game of "Pick The Least Damaged Girl" gets more people talking than a Waleed Aly monologue.

But don't worry I'm not here to judge you if you watch the show, you and I are in the same boat. We're both here to judge the contestants.

Let's start with the dreamboat himself:

 This years Bachelor Richie Strahan (Pictured Left) is admittedly a big step up from this years American Bachelor (Pictured Middle) who looks like a fucking Lego man. (In case you can't tell the difference, Lego man is on the right)

This years Bachelor Richie Strahan (Pictured Left) is admittedly a big step up from this years American Bachelor (Pictured Middle) who looks like a fucking Lego man. (In case you can't tell the difference, Lego man is on the right)

I can't fault Richie's looks. This guy could wink at a nun and she'd have to change her chastity belt. But I can tell you this:

Anyone called Richie is the type of dude to only ever have sex with the lights off, in the missionary position once a month after marriage.

The kinkiest thing a man called Richie will ever do in bed is let you call him daddy.

But ONLY so he can start calling you Mummy.

Next up, the contestants:

 Pictured: Before meeting The Bachelor, the girls decided to play a game of "Who Can Show The Most Tits Without Being Made To Change?" It was a draw.

Pictured: Before meeting The Bachelor, the girls decided to play a game of "Who Can Show The Most Tits Without Being Made To Change?" It was a draw.

Let's be honest, The Bachelor is different now. This isn't about winning love anymore. This is about who can get the most followers on Instagram before getting kicked off the show.
After all, 90 dollars a day isn't going to pay the bills but a Fit Tea Titty Shot will.

To conclude, The Bachelor is a bit fucked. And if you're watching it just to see how many lonely women cry in the back of limos on their way out then so are you.

But that's the only reason why anyone watches reality TV.

So sit back, relax and watch some broken hearts explode.

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- Lew