The Truth About Nightclubs.

When it comes to nightclubs, there are three kinds of people and one solid Truth. Let's start with The Truth that everyone knows, but no one will say.

Night Clubs aren't fun. Ecstacy is fun.

I reckon if I had enough ecstacy. I could REALLY enjoy my own mothers funeral. (Sorry mum)


Now on to the three types of people you'll see out at night.


Let's begin.

PERSON #1

Too young to enter a nightclub.

 "How far did you go with Fran at the BlueLight disco???"

"How far did you go with Fran at the BlueLight disco???"

This is the 16 year old prepubescent naive highschooler who watches reruns of Skins on SBS and thinks they're qualified enough to have an opinion on drugs and nightlife.
They dream about going clubbing but are too scared and too poor to spend $60 dollars on a fake ID because they actually think the roided up cunt at the door is smart enough to tell the difference.

This is the kind of dropkick who will take his dogs epilepsy tablets and brag about the colours he could taste to his friends.
After they fail VCE you can find this absolute legend trying to make it as a fulltime club promoter until they blow out and die under a sticky couch.

Pete was a fun loving, generous boy who always gave his friends a drink card after he shelved a few.
My only regret is spending $5000 dollars on a pair of second hand Pioneer CDJ’s... Does anyone know how to cancel payments for an unlimited Soundcloud account?
— Peter's Mother at his funeral

Person #2

The Party Girl

 "Where are all the good guys?" Said Jennifer as she licked Laura's tits for a Facebook photo.

"Where are all the good guys?" Said Jennifer as she licked Laura's tits for a Facebook photo.

Now don't get me wrong, you could swap out the words party girl for party guy and this would still make sense. But the last one was about men so really I'm just evening up the playing field.

This is the girl who actually was brave enough to buy that fake ID. She's been going to nightclubs for like 3 years so she's pretty much an expert on turning down sweaty dudes in Tommy Hilfiger T-Shirts.
Keep up dork.


This is the girl who always gets free entry, she's the goddess you buy ten drinks in a row for until you realize her job is to make you buy drinks.

(Fuck!)

You can find her in your Facebook newsfeed constantly changing her display picture to the one from 2013 with 300 likes because it was taken before she was literally hung over 100 percent of the time.
                       

Person #3

The only person in the world with a bit of common sense.

I don't have a photo for this person, because they don't really fall into a stereotype. They're just the people who were smart enough to realize that clubbing, unless you're completely off your face. Is a little bit shit.

I'm not saying nightclubs are evil and you should never go. Plenty of times I've had a brilliant time out with friends at one

What I'm trying to do is put forth the idea that there could be more to life than cheaper entry before 9pm and trying to touch that girls arse when you walk by without her noticing.

Sorry, it’s really packed in here! Didn’t mean to touch you.
— Future Rapist


I'm touring my live show around the country next month, tickets are moving quick so if you want to see me on stage I would click right HERE quickly.

Until next Tuesday,

Lew.