The Truth About Justin Bieber's Wiener

The Truth About Justin Bieber's Wiener

Didn't the internet lose it's mind the last time something like this happened? Anybody remember "The Fappening"?

Didn't the FUCKING FBI get involved with that one?

Didn't every terrible internet publication write a massive piece condemning every single person who looked at those photos? You know, The same publications who are now celebrating and sharing Justin Bieber's nudes?

The Truth About Australian Politics.

Welcome reader,

If you're foreign to Australia allow me to extend our traditional greeting to you:

FUCK OFF WE’RE FULL!
— Old Australian Proverb

If you're reading this article then you know Tony Abbott has been kicked out and want to learn everything there is to know about our wonderful political system so you can better understand the situation.


Well The Truth is, I have no fucking idea what's going on and neither does anyone else in this godforsaken country. Not even the fucking politicians

But, like everyone else in this godforsaken country I can take a shot in the dark with these three guesses:

Theory One:

Tony Abbott, inspired by the assassination of Julius Caesar wanted to enter the history books forever as the first Australian politician to be murdered by his fellow parliamentarians.
He fooled his colleagues into making him the leader of the Liberal Party then proceeded to act like the most obnoxious, homophobic and sexist lizard-man the world had ever seen.

Unfortunately for Tony, even though he inspired many fellow member of parliament with the thought of murder, Malcolm Turnbull remembered it was easier to just vote him out instead of making Julie Bishop fire lazers from her eyes into Abbott's tiny brain.

 TARGET ACQUIRED.

TARGET ACQUIRED.

 

Theory Two:

After getting voted out of the Labor Party and humiliated by Tony Abbott for it Julia Gillard, now with a lot of free time on her hands watched every single episode of "Breaking Bad" and created a new form of Red Meth, built up a crime empire and used the money to bribe every politician in the liberal party into voting Tony Abbott out for her own enjoyment.

 "I am the one who knocks"

"I am the one who knocks"

Theory Three:

There's acid int he water supply and we're all high.

The Truth About E-Cigarettes

Ahhhh, E-Cigarettes... The new fedora for the modern virgin.

If you've ever been in the city during the day you know who I'm talking about.

Dudes walking around with what looks like a cheap vibrator clenched in their sweaty fist, reeking of vanilla or some other shit smell for shit cunts.

The reason you haven't seen them during the night is because: people who smoke E-Cigrattes don't get invited anywhere.

 Picture related: What E-Cig users THINK they look like.

Picture related: What E-Cig users THINK they look like.

FUCK E-CIGS.

And fuck everyone that uses them. If you take this article personally not only are you an idiot but you're making me proud of myself.

Thanks to all you E-Cigarette enthusiasts (Unfortunately that's a real thing) I've been dealing with suffocatingly weird surprise smells more than a Thai public toilet attendant. So consider this article my (and everyone else's) revenge. 

BUT LEWIS! E-CIGARETTES ARE TECHNICALLY LEGAL TO USE INDOORS SO YOU CAN’T COMPLAIN NO MATTER WHERE WE USE THEM
— Obnoxious Fucks

Yeah sweet man, sounds good. It's also technically legal for me to shit my pants on the train every day while heading home from work then get defensive when people complain about the smell. I'm going to start doing that.
You've inspired me.

It's time for you Doctor Who looking, Sonic Screwdriver sucking idiots to move on to another trend that would actually benefit your surroundings, may I suggest walking off bridges?

If I ever hear the word "Vape" again I might join you.

Share, or don't.

- Lew

The Truth About Kylie Jenner.

The Truth About Kylie Jenner.

Why do I know who this girl is? I've never met her.

Why do I know every single one of her family member's names? I've never had dinner at their house.

Why do I know she got a white Ferrari for her birthday from that cringeworthy, 25 year old nerd looking "Rack City" dude?
Nobody told me this but the knowledge is taking up space in my mind.

The Truth About Reclaim Australia.

Reclaim Australia Supporters are dumb.

Organizing a counter rally and physically attacking them is dumber.

Sorry people, I'm siding with the Reclaim Australia dickheads on this one.

Don't get me wrong, just about every single person involved with Reclaim Australia is a complete moron and every argument I've heard from them sounds about as intelligent as putting forks in toasters to create an indoor lightshow.

Halal certification isn't a voodoo spell that will ruin 'Straya, Sharia law isn't going to happen next week and although I'm not 100 percent on this one, I'm pretty sure Muslim immigration isn't a sinister plot organized by the Arab Illuminati to destroy our rich culture and turn Vegemite into Hummus.

NO JONNO! DON’T DRINK THE WATER.

WATER IS HALAL!!!
— Some fucking idiot with a Southern Cross tattoo

Now that I've spent three paragraphs making sure I don't upset the keyboard activists, we can get onto what I'm trying to say.

If a group of Stupid Idiot Dickheads want to organize a Stupid Idiot Dickhead Rally in the city to yell their Stupid Idiot Dickhead ideas in a megaphone. You don't need to organize an Anti Stupid Idiot Dickhead Rally at the same time and place.
Everyone already knows they're dickheads.

 Not circled: The Anti Massacre Team unfortunately keeping each group of dickheads from having an all out battle

Not circled: The Anti Massacre Team unfortunately keeping each group of dickheads from having an all out battle

 Whoever wins, we lose.

Whoever wins, we lose.

And look, I'm not stupid, I know there are some people out there who will disagree with me.
Fortunately I also know what they're going to say which makes it quite easy to destroy their argument.

Observe.

But Lewis! If we don’t stand up against Reclaim Australia they’ll take over!!!
— Anti Racism Rallyists

Allow me to demonstrate something.

But Lewis! If we don’t stand up against Islam they’ll take over!!!
— Reclaim Australia

You dickheads are using the same logic. Take a step back and realize that Reclaim Australia does not represent Australia or our beliefs in the same way that terrorists do not represent Muslims. Literally 100 people turned up. The only thing the counter protest achieved was granting their movement extra publicity.

Reclaim Australia are scared, ill informed bogans.

And I for one believe in their right to tell us all about it.

The Truth About: "ManSpreading"

                      Manspreading.
No it's not another Vegemite flavor, but if it was it'd probably taste like bullshit and lies.
Manspreading is yet another made up first world problem invented by social justice warriors to keep them busy on Twitter instead of Actually doing something.

According to Wikipedia, Manspreading is "the practice of sitting in public transport with legs wide apart, thereby covering more than one seat."
Or if you listen to blogs and Twitter, it's a hate crime against women.

So... Not this?

 Rare image of tyrannical manspreader enforcing the patriarchy onto a defenseless sandwich.

Rare image of tyrannical manspreader enforcing the patriarchy onto a defenseless sandwich.

If you've been on the internet in the past 12 months you'll know that the most pressing issue facing women's rights at the moment isn't female circumcision or lack of education in third world countries. No, it's..

WHITE GUYS IN SUITS TAKING UP A LITTLE BIT TOO MUCH ROOM ON THE TRAIN

Here's a few photos of people manspreading to really get you angry about this horrible issue

Wait, fuck, sorry. Those weren't men. This bring me to an inconvenient Truth.
 

Manspreading is a bullshit term for a bullshit issue.

Sorry ladies, "manspreading" isn't only committed by straight white males, anyone can do it. It's not the patriarchy, It's called being an inconsiderate cunt and has nothing to do with sex.
The next time you see someone taking up too much space on the train, don't get all autistic about it and take a photo to post on the internet, just say excuse me instead.

Until next Tuesday,

Preach The Truth,

- Lew.

P.S. My live tour starts in a few weeks, tickets are selling fast so be quick: lewspears.com/shows

The Truth About Nightclubs.

When it comes to nightclubs, there are three kinds of people and one solid Truth. Let's start with The Truth that everyone knows, but no one will say.

Night Clubs aren't fun. Ecstacy is fun.

I reckon if I had enough ecstacy. I could REALLY enjoy my own mothers funeral. (Sorry mum)


Now on to the three types of people you'll see out at night.


Let's begin.

PERSON #1

Too young to enter a nightclub.

 "How far did you go with Fran at the BlueLight disco???"

"How far did you go with Fran at the BlueLight disco???"

This is the 16 year old prepubescent naive highschooler who watches reruns of Skins on SBS and thinks they're qualified enough to have an opinion on drugs and nightlife.
They dream about going clubbing but are too scared and too poor to spend $60 dollars on a fake ID because they actually think the roided up cunt at the door is smart enough to tell the difference.

This is the kind of dropkick who will take his dogs epilepsy tablets and brag about the colours he could taste to his friends.
After they fail VCE you can find this absolute legend trying to make it as a fulltime club promoter until they blow out and die under a sticky couch.

Pete was a fun loving, generous boy who always gave his friends a drink card after he shelved a few.
My only regret is spending $5000 dollars on a pair of second hand Pioneer CDJ’s... Does anyone know how to cancel payments for an unlimited Soundcloud account?
— Peter's Mother at his funeral

Person #2

The Party Girl

 "Where are all the good guys?" Said Jennifer as she licked Laura's tits for a Facebook photo.

"Where are all the good guys?" Said Jennifer as she licked Laura's tits for a Facebook photo.

Now don't get me wrong, you could swap out the words party girl for party guy and this would still make sense. But the last one was about men so really I'm just evening up the playing field.

This is the girl who actually was brave enough to buy that fake ID. She's been going to nightclubs for like 3 years so she's pretty much an expert on turning down sweaty dudes in Tommy Hilfiger T-Shirts.
Keep up dork.


This is the girl who always gets free entry, she's the goddess you buy ten drinks in a row for until you realize her job is to make you buy drinks.

(Fuck!)

You can find her in your Facebook newsfeed constantly changing her display picture to the one from 2013 with 300 likes because it was taken before she was literally hung over 100 percent of the time.
                       

Person #3

The only person in the world with a bit of common sense.

I don't have a photo for this person, because they don't really fall into a stereotype. They're just the people who were smart enough to realize that clubbing, unless you're completely off your face. Is a little bit shit.

I'm not saying nightclubs are evil and you should never go. Plenty of times I've had a brilliant time out with friends at one

What I'm trying to do is put forth the idea that there could be more to life than cheaper entry before 9pm and trying to touch that girls arse when you walk by without her noticing.

Sorry, it’s really packed in here! Didn’t mean to touch you.
— Future Rapist


I'm touring my live show around the country next month, tickets are moving quick so if you want to see me on stage I would click right HERE quickly.

Until next Tuesday,

Lew.

The Truth About: The Truth

 

 

Ladies and Gentlemen! Boys and Girls!

Transwomen and Transmen!

Furries! Fictives! Otherkin! And -Hold up, those last three aren't people. They're mental ilnesses.

Get off my website and see a psychologist.

Welcome to The Truth.

But Lewis... What is The Truth!????
— You

What is The Truth? Stupid question. Get off my website and read a book.
The Truth is The Truth. It is a place where I share my opinion which, by the way is The Truth.
Some people would say that The Truth is a blog.

I think this is a blog.
— Some People

To those people I say this:

BLOGS ARE TERRIBLE.

GET THE FUCK OFF MY WEBSITE.

Truth #1

For those of you that are familiar with my early Comedy*. You'll know that I love a good rant.

*See: Making People Angry For No Reason

Unfortunately for you, me and everyone else stupid enough to have a Facebook profile, the website has buckled recently under the demands of their advertisers and descended into PC hell.
Facebook now deletes anything even remotely offensive*

*See: Hilarious

Facebook is Fucking Shithouse.

Truth #2

No business wants to see their advertisement next to a well thought out Top Ten list on why I think Brain Cancer has done more for humanity than Pop Music ever has.

 What Commonwealth Bank doesn't want to see.

What Commonwealth Bank doesn't want to see.

I've decided to start this column/article/cesspool/gospel to bring you my uncensored thoughts and opinions on whatever I feel like taking apart without having to look over my shoulder for the big bad Facebook moderators. I'll be creating one article a week every Tuesday, from now on these days shall be called Truth Tuesdays  and they are going to be a lot of fun.

 

So, have a browse through the new website, let me know what you want to see my opinions on and I'll see you next week.

- Lew.